Award Winning, Best Selling Author

Suspect--please report if seen.

Stolen

ball

Radulf's Top-Secret Blog. Entry 3

Possibly many snoozes after last entry.

Have had difficulty seeing small print in journal. Refuse to wear glasses as blond biped looks like a dick in his. Now dictating into blond biped’s laptop and will use google translate. Not hopeful about results, however. Password in case am caught is balls.

Next day

Have much to relate of great importance: no trouble with anal gland for whole month!
On other lesser news, am now living in large jam-jar. Like glass very much and can observe blond biped observing me. However, have noticed scratches behind ear, treats, and new toys increase in direct proportion to number of times head hits glass. Still conducting experiments.
Jam-jar comes with spring lamb on tap. Very tasty.
Also has indoor peeing place. Extremely handy, and thoughtful of bipeds to install. Don’t use it when blond biped swimming in it, obviously.

After bone

Observations on new bipeds in life:

Female-not-living-in-jam-jar-biped:
Has outside kennel so probably not housetrained—more extensive observations of this proved tricky.
Got brushed, claws trimmed, and ears poked within two minutes of first meeting—suspect she has produced many litters and now missing puppies. 
Falls for hitting-head trick every time.
Main source of treats now.

Red-haired biped:
New littermate. Needs training and careful supervision but might make very good guard dog. Must, however, stop tendency to decorate superior littermate with flowers.
Totally taken in by head hitting, but then made thoughtful sponge helmet.

Quiet biped who comes with dog-in-previous-life biped:
Quiet biped may have come from shelter. Seems afraid going to be returned and acts submissive with blond biped. Tried to teach him my throat trick, as this was very successful in avoiding return to shelter, but possible something got lost in translation. Quiet biped very submissive with me now.
Dog-in-previous-life biped plays with quiet biped when he’s not playing with me.
Not the same games.
Fortunately.

Dog-in-previous-life biped:
Almost all bipeds fall for dog-in-previous-life biped’s silence-inside trick. I learn from a master. Blond biped suspicious. But blond biped suspicious of everyone.
Have to admit to being somewhat embarrassing around dog-in-previous-life biped, reverting to utterly humiliating puppy-like fawning. Gave him one of my favourite toys. He gave me one of his.

After snooze

Dark-haired biped:
Until lights went out did not realise how noisy dark-haired biped is. Difficult to achieve full snooze mode; unknown bipeds often howl from small box. Dark-haired biped howls along. Must make allowances, dark-haired biped’s anal glad appears worse than mine and needs frequent attention for relief.

Blond haired biped:
Have come to conclusion after much study that blond haired biped also a sticky and should never have been re-homed.
All bipeds appear to be waiting for mistake to be realised and van to come and collect him. If he goes I will give him my spare blanket.

Next day
Could not write. Blond haired biped using laptop. Appeared to be researching anal glands for relief of dark-haired biped.

Later
Sat on couch with dark-haired biped and stared at box with trapped bipeds inside. Saw small pensioner biped who shared recent holiday with me. Meh.
Both given very pleasant ride in back of nice car—think she must have had OAP discount because car very expensive. Did not vomit. Neither did I.
Not wholly impressed with small pensioner biped. Think she stole my ball. Had second favourite one with me, woke from snooze and gone! Whole family seemed a bit shifty and house full of filthy tartan blankets. Maybe poorer than appeared and could not afford own ball. 

Final observations:
Distinct advantages to having lights out. Most bipeds stupid and fall for sad-blind-dog routine. Not sad. Not blind. Not even convinced am dog.
Can now do vital research on subject as have access to laptop.
Nothing else to report.
Buried thoughtful sponge helmet on moors with remains of spring lamb. Heh.
Very, very quiet life.
Have suspicion things happening behind my back.

Will observe further and try to snooze less.


Radulf’s Blog - Book 2

Day 1
Went to live in odd new house today. Step into box. Stand still. House comes to me. Believe bipeds must be calling silently for it while in box. House is more obedient than me. Heh

Day 2
Dark-haired biped took me back to old house. Where is blond biped? Did not think he would be easy to lose!

Day 3
Have been given proper task at last. Must guard broken car in kitchen. I assume we are waiting for rest of car to arrive. This bit is not moving. Will continue to observe.

Later
Still observing. Cat on wall, eyeing me. Pussy.

Day 4
Blond biped appears to be missing. I did not lose him. Still observing broken car. 

Day 5
Think dark-haired biped should put up pictures of blond biped. Worked when bipeds lost me. Will try to suggest plan. Suggesting things to bipeds never easy. They offer treats during complex explanations and then pat head.

Sad Day
Blond biped still missing. Am very sad. He has long thoughtful conversations with me when dark-haired biped not present. 

Horrible House Day
Just wrong. House floating badly on very large choppy water bowl! Dark-haired biped threw up. Heh.

Another new house day
Have new room. Big water bowl outside but water very foul to drink. Water comes forward and then backward. Very disagreeable and would not stop despite my severest growling. Watched for very long time with dark-haired biped. He seems confused as well. Cried. Pussy.(Note to self: do not shuffle itchy anal gland for relief on sand).

Small Biped Day
Have discovered size, sex and age of bipeds irrelevant to status they hold in pack. Extremely interesting observation. This is not true for dogs, of course. Except terriers. Foul creatures. Small, old female biped is dominant member of new pack. 

Wolf Day
Met first wolf today. Dark-haired biped did not spot it due to very good camouflage. Very worrying. It saw me. Slightly more worrying. Blond-haired biped would know what to do. He sees wolves every day.

Best Day Ever
Found dead seagull on beach. His mates said he was called Bob. Dark-haired biped shouted unnecessarily loudly and is surprisingly strong. Biped also dumb and fell for whining to go out trick. Bob even deader now. Heh. Have brought him in and hidden him under bed for reanimation experiments later.

​No Treats All Day Day
​Self-explanatory—Bob discovered. 

​Wolf Day Again
Why does dark-haired biped not see wolf? Does not look like a wolf but smell is unmistakable. 

Sore Paw Day
Taken to vet. Should be illegal. Although both dark-haired and missing blond biped clearly enjoy such things, I prefer thermometers to remain in drawers. Sore paw still sore. Anal gland now very comfy, however. 

Useful Day
Biped lost ball 38 times. Had to fetch for him. Miss blond biped who would place ball on ground so we could both watch it without having to move. 

Best Not to Mention Day
Got left with dominant female for evening. Watched bipeds trapped in small box. I tried to free them. Box slightly dented. Spent rest of evening in own room in disgrace. 

Blond Biped Home Day
He’s home! He’s home! I saw him first! Blond biped patted my head before he patted dark-haired biped. And I know he appreciated dead seagull I brought him more than what dark-haired biped offered him. Blond biped now to be called my biped. He’s home!

Random Thought Day
Bipeds can’t lick their own bums. Fortunate my biped now home.

Another New House Day
Very small house with bath outside. Not going to happen. Must be on guard at all times. 

Cold, white blanket Day
Large, cold white blanket everywhere. Made bipeds skittish. Joined in to be polite. 

Wolf in the Night Day
Saw wolf outside tonight! Gave best warning ever. Wolf got it, but ignored by bipeds as usual. 

Best Hide and Seek Game Ever Day
My biped hiding. We go out everyday seeking him. Should play this game more often. Dark-haired biped very sad though. Think he wanted to be one hiding? He’s usually better at taking turns. 

Strange Biped Day
​New biped from the strange house that moves is here. Puzzling creature who wears many masks. Loud on the outside but very quiet and listening intently on the inside. Think he might have been dog in previous life. 

Still Hide and Seek Day
My biped plays this game too well. Cannot find him anywhere! Very exciting. Will keep looking. 

Bad Dog Day
Think I have been a bad dog. Killed the wolf. Sad now. Who turned out the lights?

​Home
He’s home. He’s very quiet. We’ll be quiet in the dark together.


Things I now own.


Had a slight accident with gay neckerchief. Heh.

Radulf's Top Secret Dog Blog - Book 1



Day 1

Cushty number in shelter ruined despite cast iron reassurances I was there for life. Being rehomed. Very suspicious bipeds. Acceptable car.


Day 2

Odd dynamic in new house. Can't identify female biped who will do all feeding and maintenance. Will observe further and report back.


Day 3

Observation not helping.


Day 4

Have concluded dark-haired biped is female.


Later in Day

Correction. Blond one.


Even More Later

My logic is clearly flawed.


Possibly Day Ten or Maybe Not

Threw up in car. Bipeds not noticed yet as it's down between the back seats. Blond biped gave me funny look though. I gave him an hilarious one back.


Day After That One

Had to wear the gay neckerchief again today. Dark-haired biped smiling at me a lot. What does he want? Blond one easier to read. Will avoid.


Day That Shall Remain Nameless

Kitchen surfaces are for the hygienic preparation of meals. 


Vet Day

Had anal gland squeezed at vet. Do not know why my bipeds did not do it. Would have thought they knew how.


Long Car Trip

Sat over the vomit whole trip as stain now visible. Made useful discovery: bipeds have no sense of smell. Kept head out of window as much as possible. Spent night in kennel. Possibly being rehomed.


Not Too Sure What Day

Not rehomed. Shame. Met female of pack. Dark-haired biped behaving oddly around her. Worrying. Rely on him for feeding. Blond one utterly useless. 


The Men in House Day

Bad day. Got shot at. Possible behaviour in previous home discovered. Good news, car going to be stolen. Will get away with vomit in seats.


Next Day

Long walk today. Lots of sheep. One less now. Pussies.


Hot Day

Something up with bipeds. Very tense. Possible they discovered sheep. Could not enjoy my sausages. Blond one faking a sore paw.


Pond Day

Had a swim today. Needed it. Smelly.


Bad Day

Running should be illegal. Got wet. Smelly again. Blond one did not have to do running. Will fake sore paw too next time.


Strange Day

Spent whole day alone with blond biped. Played hide and seek. Brilliant. Blond biped more fun than thought. Will occasionally obey him now as reward.


Strange Day Now Called Ball Day!

I have new ball! I have new ball! It's yellow and bounces and runs away and then I bring it back! Dark-haired biped learnt to throw it quickly. He appears easily trainable. Blond one hid it so I couldn't find it. He won't find his socks either.


Some Day after Ball Day

Another long walk. Still can't decide which biped is female. Possible I am misinterpreting available evidence. Sheep still pussies. SPAM is the nectar of the gods.


Strange House Day

Saw poodle in handbag. Had a bath. Both bipeds in water first. Disgusting. Met female of pack again. Dominant and aggressive with dark-haired biped. Wondered if I should intervene and do dog-like thing. Had new collar so couldn't risk it. Shortbread biscuits are nice.


Later 

Anal gland needs attention again. Been shuffling on bum all day but bipeds too busy to notice. They need to get priorities sorted. A dog is for life, not just for ... not sure what I was acquired for. Now quite worried. Will keep anal gland problem secret until further observation conducted...


Not much to report recently. Very quiet in house. Bipeds possibly bored too because they